Things that Fathers should know
Things a Man Should Know: About Fatherhood
1. Don't worry, your dad
didn't know what he was doing, either.
2. No, no--not that
Spock!
3. Second thought, maybe
you should worry.
4. Never tell anybody
that you and your wife are "trying." We really don't need the visual,
that's why.
5. Never tell anybody
where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing.
6. Do not name your baby
after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system,
seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars.
7. Your child, at birth,
already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the
first year, you are only a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an
amusement-park ride.
Then, a referee.
And finally, a bank.
8. If you want to
subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a local anesthetic, since many
pediatricians don't bother to use one.
The anesthetic is for the kid.
9. Baby gas is lessened
with a good nipple connection during feeding, which decreases air intake.
Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out,
not pursed, helps.
10. There is nothing
wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain of teething.
Nonetheless, it probably ought to stop by
kindergarten.
11. Diaper-rash remedy:
Expose baby's hydraulics to the air until dry. Soak baby's bottom in tepid
water with a half cup baking soda. Then, Balmex. Or Lotrimin. Rediaper.
12. You know how they say
you'll get used to diapers? You won't.
Unless you wear them a lot.
13. Forcing children to
use toilets will make them dislike toilets.
Children begin using toilets when they tire
of that not-so-fresh feeling.
Of course, this is long, way long, after you
tire of it.
14. The start of crawling:
usually begins between six months and twelve months.
Standing: usually between nine and twelve
months.
Walking: between twelve and fifteen months.
The onset of the above, as with all
developmental skills, is hugely variable among individual children.
15. Avoid walkers, not
only because they can be dangerous around stairs but because they don't require
a child to balance and thus retard his walking progress.
16. Reason boys are
better: They cannot get pregnant.
17. Reason girls are
better: They're less likely to get arrested.
18. The threat of an
unknown punishment is always more effective than a stated one.
19. Annals of great
punishments: Hang dolly from a noose!
That was a joke, Dad, a joke.
Annals of great punishments, for real: making
him wash the car, clean the bathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group.
You see, all great punishments should reduce
the number of disagreeable tasks you would otherwise have to perform.
20. Teach by example.
21. Your kids can develop
an independent sense of good taste only if they're allowed to make their own
mistakes in judgment.
22. Relax: Lots of little
boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.
23. The first time you
change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It's
foreshadowing.
24. Children of too-strict
parents are more likely to develop tics.
25. Let them take
reasonable risks: A few scrapes in the long run are nothing compared with the
scars left by hovering parents. Or tics.
In preparation for risks: a Red Cross
first-aid course.
26. The most common cause
of fatal injury among kids between five and nine involves cars, which is to
say, hold their hands. And buckle them in.
27. Try to tuck them in
every night, too.
28. When changing diapers,
avoid baby powder, as it can irritate their lungs.
When changing diapers, definitely don't avoid
the Desitin--spread it thick, like Spackle.
29. It never hurts to
videotape the baby-sitter.
Especially if she's hot.
30. Never disclose to
other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter.
31. Reason boys are
better: They cost less, especially their clothes.
32. Reason girls are
better: They're less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have.
33. Overalls are not only
cute, they provide a convenient handle.
34. At a certain point,
your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries,
Cheerios, and hot dogs.
35. Dropping food on the
floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt
to annoy you.
However, as small he or she might be,
never underestimate an infant's ability to project chewed food over great
distances.
36. The single most
important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps.
37. NOW, more than ever,
don't move into a place without laundry facilities.
38. Children's hobbies to
nip quickly in the bud: drums, archery, matchbook collecting.
39. Beware your child's
uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words, introduce him to liquor, and give
him gifts of drums, archery sets, and possibly matches.
40. It is, of course, your
natural right to exert the above negative influences on your siblings'
offspring.
41. You are under no
obligation to tell children the truth.
Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun:
"Oh, that bird? That's a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course."
On the other hand, they do remember
everything.
42. Sesame Street.
43. Your bedroom door gets
a lock. Your teenage son's does not.
44. Lock or no, please
knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth who is spanking his monkey
will be twice as traumatic for you as it is for him.
45. Other doors to lock:
those on the liquor cabinet.
46. There is only one
reason for a teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is.
47. Unfortunately, those
books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women
who are not your wife.
48. No matter how wealthy
you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him.
Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items;
teach the little buthead some responsibility!
49. The previous statement
proving you are your parents.
Only -- hopefully -- with better fashion
sense.
50. Price of a college
education for a baby born in 1999: $200,000.
51. If the real response
to his question is no, try this instead: "Go ask your mom."
52. DNA tests are 99.9
percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure.
53. Reason boys are
better: Boys start talking later than girls.
54. Reason girls are
better: Boys toilet-train later than girls.
55. The twos aren't always
terrible.
Even if they are, take heart, as kids aged
three to six generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive
and wish to be exactly like them.
How scary is that?
56. Establishing savings
accounts for your kids and requiring them to make regular monthly deposits
teaches them how to eventually become J. R Morgan.
The above could prove useful in your dotage.
57. Corny as it sounds,
that Harry Chapin guy was right.
Then again, you could argue that W. C. Fields
was right, too.
58. It's never too early
to begin reading to children.
59. Let them read what
they enjoy.
60. Except your porn,
which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well.
No, you cannot ask for it back.
Furthermore, you cannot steal his.
61. Acceptable reading
material: Dr. Seuss, Where the Wild Things Are, Harold and the Purple Crayon,
Curious George, and any of the following by Roald Dahl -- James and the Giant
Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Danny the Champion of the World.
Neither of the following by Roald Dahl: Kiss,
kiss or Switch Bitch.
62. Know that by the time
your kids are teens, those enormous baggy pants will be long gone, as will
tattoos, piercing, and Marilyn Manson.
Of course, by 2015, kids might very well
sever arms and legs as fashion statements.
63. Some parents walk around
naked in front of their children.
These parents should stop it.
64. Nearly all
psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say,
every now and then make sure that you tell your kid he's pretty great.
65. And never raise a hand
to him. But being a good guy, you probably knew that.
66. The harder they play,
the earlier they sleep.
67. Never turn down an
invitation to play.
68. No toys that require
batteries.
69. They never really
outgrow the claw.
"No, Dad, no! Not the claw!" means
"Apply the claw, please."
70. All in all, fatherhood
is pretty terrific -- filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles --
particularly other people's fatherhood.
71. You might think you
know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a
grandfather.
72. If you're thinking
that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of
course, absolutely correct.
In : Thoughts on life
Tags: fatherhood children
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Smalltown Mo
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Things that Fathers should know
Things a Man Should Know: About Fatherhood
1. Don't worry, your dad
didn't know what he was doing, either.
2. No, no--not that
Spock!
3. Second thought, maybe
you should worry.
4. Never tell anybody
that you and your wife are "trying." We really don't need the visual,
that's why.
5. Never tell anybody
where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing.
6. Do not name your baby
after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system,
seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars.
7. Your child, at birth,
already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the
first year, you are only a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an
amusement-park ride.
Then, a referee.
And finally, a bank.
8. If you want to
subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a local anesthetic, since many
pediatricians don't bother to use one.
The anesthetic is for the kid.
9. Baby gas is lessened
with a good nipple connection during feeding, which decreases air intake.
Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out,
not pursed, helps.
10. There is nothing
wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain of teething.
Nonetheless, it probably ought to stop by
kindergarten.
11. Diaper-rash remedy:
Expose baby's hydraulics to the air until dry. Soak baby's bottom in tepid
water with a half cup baking soda. Then, Balmex. Or Lotrimin. Rediaper.
12. You know how they say
you'll get used to diapers? You won't.
Unless you wear them a lot.
13. Forcing children to
use toilets will make them dislike toilets.
Children begin using toilets when they tire
of that not-so-fresh feeling.
Of course, this is long, way long, after you
tire of it.
14. The start of crawling:
usually begins between six months and twelve months.
Standing: usually between nine and twelve
months.
Walking: between twelve and fifteen months.
The onset of the above, as with all
developmental skills, is hugely variable among individual children.
15. Avoid walkers, not
only because they can be dangerous around stairs but because they don't require
a child to balance and thus retard his walking progress.
16. Reason boys are
better: They cannot get pregnant.
17. Reason girls are
better: They're less likely to get arrested.
18. The threat of an
unknown punishment is always more effective than a stated one.
19. Annals of great
punishments: Hang dolly from a noose!
That was a joke, Dad, a joke.
Annals of great punishments, for real: making
him wash the car, clean the bathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group.
You see, all great punishments should reduce
the number of disagreeable tasks you would otherwise have to perform.
20. Teach by example.
21. Your kids can develop
an independent sense of good taste only if they're allowed to make their own
mistakes in judgment.
22. Relax: Lots of little
boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.
23. The first time you
change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It's
foreshadowing.
24. Children of too-strict
parents are more likely to develop tics.
25. Let them take
reasonable risks: A few scrapes in the long run are nothing compared with the
scars left by hovering parents. Or tics.
In preparation for risks: a Red Cross
first-aid course.
26. The most common cause
of fatal injury among kids between five and nine involves cars, which is to
say, hold their hands. And buckle them in.
27. Try to tuck them in
every night, too.
28. When changing diapers,
avoid baby powder, as it can irritate their lungs.
When changing diapers, definitely don't avoid
the Desitin--spread it thick, like Spackle.
29. It never hurts to
videotape the baby-sitter.
Especially if she's hot.
30. Never disclose to
other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter.
31. Reason boys are
better: They cost less, especially their clothes.
32. Reason girls are
better: They're less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have.
33. Overalls are not only
cute, they provide a convenient handle.
34. At a certain point,
your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries,
Cheerios, and hot dogs.
35. Dropping food on the
floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt
to annoy you.
However, as small he or she might be,
never underestimate an infant's ability to project chewed food over great
distances.
36. The single most
important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps.
37. NOW, more than ever,
don't move into a place without laundry facilities.
38. Children's hobbies to
nip quickly in the bud: drums, archery, matchbook collecting.
39. Beware your child's
uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words, introduce him to liquor, and give
him gifts of drums, archery sets, and possibly matches.
40. It is, of course, your
natural right to exert the above negative influences on your siblings'
offspring.
41. You are under no
obligation to tell children the truth.
Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun:
"Oh, that bird? That's a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course."
On the other hand, they do remember
everything.
42. Sesame Street.
43. Your bedroom door gets
a lock. Your teenage son's does not.
44. Lock or no, please
knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth who is spanking his monkey
will be twice as traumatic for you as it is for him.
45. Other doors to lock:
those on the liquor cabinet.
46. There is only one
reason for a teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is.
47. Unfortunately, those
books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women
who are not your wife.
48. No matter how wealthy
you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him.
Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items;
teach the little buthead some responsibility!
49. The previous statement
proving you are your parents.
Only -- hopefully -- with better fashion
sense.
50. Price of a college
education for a baby born in 1999: $200,000.
51. If the real response
to his question is no, try this instead: "Go ask your mom."
52. DNA tests are 99.9
percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure.
53. Reason boys are
better: Boys start talking later than girls.
54. Reason girls are
better: Boys toilet-train later than girls.
55. The twos aren't always
terrible.
Even if they are, take heart, as kids aged
three to six generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive
and wish to be exactly like them.
How scary is that?
56. Establishing savings
accounts for your kids and requiring them to make regular monthly deposits
teaches them how to eventually become J. R Morgan.
The above could prove useful in your dotage.
57. Corny as it sounds,
that Harry Chapin guy was right.
Then again, you could argue that W. C. Fields
was right, too.
58. It's never too early
to begin reading to children.
59. Let them read what
they enjoy.
60. Except your porn,
which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well.
No, you cannot ask for it back.
Furthermore, you cannot steal his.
61. Acceptable reading
material: Dr. Seuss, Where the Wild Things Are, Harold and the Purple Crayon,
Curious George, and any of the following by Roald Dahl -- James and the Giant
Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Danny the Champion of the World.
Neither of the following by Roald Dahl: Kiss,
kiss or Switch Bitch.
62. Know that by the time
your kids are teens, those enormous baggy pants will be long gone, as will
tattoos, piercing, and Marilyn Manson.
Of course, by 2015, kids might very well
sever arms and legs as fashion statements.
63. Some parents walk around
naked in front of their children.
These parents should stop it.
64. Nearly all
psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say,
every now and then make sure that you tell your kid he's pretty great.
65. And never raise a hand
to him. But being a good guy, you probably knew that.
66. The harder they play,
the earlier they sleep.
67. Never turn down an
invitation to play.
68. No toys that require
batteries.
69. They never really
outgrow the claw.
"No, Dad, no! Not the claw!" means
"Apply the claw, please."
70. All in all, fatherhood
is pretty terrific -- filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles --
particularly other people's fatherhood.
71. You might think you
know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a
grandfather.
72. If you're thinking
that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of
course, absolutely correct.
In : Thoughts on life
Tags: fatherhood children